WHY DOGS DON'T USE COMPUTERS
20. Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95.
19.
Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor
with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website
they visit.
16. Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear "You’ve Got
Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail
wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of
working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12.
Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up
with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with
the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9.Three words: Carpal Paw
Syndrome
8. ’Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7.
Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6.
SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and
AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to
maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.
2.
Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
1.
TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *
( * 1. Too
Damn Hard To Type With Paws. )
HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A PUPPY
1. Remove film from box
and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in
trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4.
Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod, check
flash and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place
puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and
crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand while fending off puppy
with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put
cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
12. Put
magazines back on coffee table.
13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking
toy over your head.
14. Replace your glasses and check camera for
damage.
15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, no
outside!"
16. Call spouse to help clean up the mess.
17. Fix a
drink.
18. Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink and resolve to
teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the
morning.
DOES YOUR DOG OWN YOU
You believe every dog is a lap dog.
If you are cold,
you put a sweater on your dog.
You have a picture of your dog in your
wallet, but not one of your kids.
You often claim that it was love at
first sight with you and your dog.
You have your dog talk to your friends
on the phone.
You can’t fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
No
matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your
dog(s).
You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for
yourself.
You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips,
even when you know where his lips have been.
You believe it is your duty
to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their
names.
You let the neighbor dog sleep over.
You believe there is
no such thing as a naughty dog.
Your vet and grooming bills exceed your
rent.
When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first
choice.
You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair
first.
You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.
Your
dog taught you to fetch and roll over
DOG RULES
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the
dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is
allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can
get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the
furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6.
Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog
can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The
dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep
under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep
under the covers with the dog.
DOGGIE PLEDGE
The computer’s mouse is, unlike a real mouse,
inedible.
I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty
ones.
I will not play tug-o’-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the
toilet
I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the
backyard after processing.
I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not
tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, ’specially not the red ones
so my people will think I am dying.
I will not roll on dead seagulls,
fish, crabs, etc.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose
up her ear.
I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into
the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
I will not throw
up in the car.
I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for
Mom’s driver’s license and car registration.
When in the car, I will not
insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.
I must
shake the rainwater out of my fur *before* entering the house.
I will not
drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the
toilet.
I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back
yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad’s
laps.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on
TV.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the
coffee table.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will
not roll my toys behind the fridge.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing
our stuff.
I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they
eat it.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.